Shred U Like

Paperwork. Everyone hates it, to me its up there on the hideousness scale with being force-fed loft insulation. But as the old adage goes, it has to be done...

My task in question was sorting through a 3-year old pile of bank statements, phone bills, and general marketing wank that I really couldn't care less about, let alone waste a day off on. I'd quite happily chuck it out the window recycle it but we can't now can we. Times have changed.

We are now a nation obsessed with Identity Theft. Everyone's rustling through our bins these days aren't they? You can't so much as throw a birthday card away without worrying about your Gran getting signed up for 15 credit cards and shares in Northern Rock. And if that isn't enough to get you caught up in this, The Government will give you a helping hand by losing your bank details in the post.

Unfortunately, a few years back I was one of those saps unlucky enough to have their debit card fraudulently rung up to the tune of over £300 smackers. I hate myself for admitting this, but since then nothing with my name or address on it leaves the flat without first resembling a New York tickertape parade. Sad I know, but once bitten eh?

This perhaps is where we could start having some fun with sentencing policy. In my case I wouldn't want the culprit to go Her Majesty's Finest for a few years. No Siree. I'd have him/her round here shredding my pile of chuffing paperwork. Every last pigging receipt.

It's a winner isn't it? I don't waste a day of my life, the taxpayer saves on prison costs, and think of the rehabilitation value. There's no way anyone would re-offend after a day of listening to the noise of my shredder. Celine Dion's greatest hits played backwards though a screaming baby seems like a pleasure in comparison.

Think of the fun we could have with these sentences. Burglars could be made to queue in Ikea on a Saturday afternoon for replacement furniture, then work out how the f**k to put it together with no instructions and 3 screws missing. Muggers could be sent to a School Bully Convention with 50p dinner money and 'kick me' tattooed on their forehead. Shoplifters from TK Maxx could be forced to actually wear the merchandise.

You could even televise it, with a text-vote at the end for the thieving dunce you want to stay in for next week's humiliation. I'm on to a winner here aren't I?

Anyway, I digress - back to the shredding... *sob*