Quality Flu Time

Image © Lotus Head

I usually enjoy my time out of the office – the lazy lie in, the cooked breakfast, the planned (or otherwise) leisurely pace of a day out... it's bliss isn't it?

Then you get the flipside – the enforced time off from a bout of 'man flu'. The male equivalent of labour pains, it kicks you in the guts flispside onto the couch and leaves you in agony for the day. It's the weakness that gets me the most – I could barely muster the energy to reach for the TV remote, lest change channels.

My entertainment in question yesterday was the controversial Jeremy Kyle show. A lot's been said about Kyle's style of programming – a judge only recently referred to it as 'human bear baiting'.

"8 potential dads", "Pregnant and Penniless", "2nd DNA test - 2nd time you're a potential dad!", "You let me bond with your baby – now I might not be the dad!" were all parts of the 'DNA Results Special'. I won't doubt for a second that it's crass, trash TV, but a solid watch for two enforced hours on the death-couch gave me some more time to assess the format.

On the face of it the show is no different to a Vanessa, Trisha, Springer, Kilroy, or any other generic 'personality' talk show. All the common elements are there – cheerleading studio audience, idiotic guests who believe airing their dirtiest laundry on TV will be their salvation, and a host full of patronising self importance.

But Kyle's show is different in the way he controls and develops the 'plots', because that's what all features on the show become. Kyle cleverly unravels the story the way he wants, to an often eventful conclusion, and holds all the cards throughout the show (quite literally - most of them are DNA or lie detector results).

Springer, Trisha et al rely on the participation of the studio audience to pass pathetic self-righteous judgements on the depressing situations of the guests. This doesn't happen with Kyle – he's in complete control. He is Judge, Jury, and Executioner. He somehow holds authority over the guests through a combination of sheer nastiness, assertions, and occasional compassion. This is all the more remarkable for a man with the appearance of a less attractive Daniel Craig on the Atkins diet.

The thing is, it doesn't take a lot of intelligence for someone like Kyle to spot the underlying problems in practically all these situations. 'Families at war' is the usual outcome, but Kyle carefully allows each participant to gradually incriminate themselves through a set of leading questions. When he doesn't get the reaction he's after, he'll berate, antagonise and chastise them until he can provoke a reaction.

It's like a one-man good cop/bad cop routine that can be quite compelling at times – as a viewer I end up mentally switching off when the latest shallow swimmer from the gene pool starts talking, then re-engage for Kyle's often cutting commentary.

There's often nothing endearing about the guests to feel sorry for, other than wonder about the society that produced them in the first place. As each one comes on stage more fired up and angry than the last, they lose the opportunity for any moral high ground and further compound it by discharging a barrage of violent abuse. Kyle knows this, and is happy to shit-stir this cauldron of bile until it overflows.

So why do people go on these shows? I think history has shown us one thing – a lot of stupid people will do anything to get on TV. 15 years back The Word had people eating sheep's testicles, snogging 80-year-old men and eating pubic hair on a Jacobs cream cracker. Rather than simply being broken, the boundaries had been smashed around the face with a crowbar and bathed in salt.

As a result, shows like Kyle's no longer have the shock value they would have had so long ago, and are now an established part of the daytime TV ensemble for the forseeable future.

Still – if you're stuck to the couch with a fever and a tin of chicken soup, there's a lot worse you can do!